31 Thoughts I Had While Spiraling Over Harry Styles and Olivia Wilde

The first Monday of 2021 was shaping up to be a brutal back-to-work slog.... until a midday gift arrived in the form of new photos of Harry Styles and Olivia Wilde walking hand-in-hand into his manager Jeff Azoff's wedding in Montecito, Calif. Wall-to-wall coverage, hysteria, and an ongoing journey of emotions soon followed. As a newly-minted Styles obsessive, I'm swallowing my pride and sharing 31 thoughts I had while spriraling over the news.

1. How very dare Harry Styles date a woman in her mid-to-late 30s who is not me?
2. Wait, when did Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudeikis break up? Oh, November? I must have missed that amid the national democratic crisis.
3. Remember when Wilde said she and Sudeikis had "Kenyan marathon runner sex?" Goodbye to that, I guess.
4. Remember, also, when Wilde was married to a prince named Tao Ruspoli who lived on a school bus, after eloping with him on said school bus? “I said, 'Whoa! I don't want to meet a dude who lives on a bus!’" she told Women's Health of being set up with him. They bonded over their art, but the marriage was sexless, as Wilde later divulged: "I felt like my vagina died."
5. Why does my heart hurt so?
6. She's 36. He's 26. Harry Styles really does like elder women. It's thereby settled: The Idea of You is real.
7. This makes sense. Olivia is directing Harry in her new thriller, Don't Worry, Darling. On-set romances happen all the time, and usually with elder male directors and female ingenues. Nothing but respect for the norm-defying nature of this union.
8. How genius of Wilde to replace Shia LeBeouf, reportedly for bad behavior, with a prince among men, Harry Styles.
9. I'm gradually moving from denial to acceptance. I'll allow this because Olivia Wilde is a smart, creative writer-director who gave Booksmart to the world. Let us not pretend she's the only lucky one here.
10. I have no choice but to convert my kitchen into a war room and devote the remainder of my day to endless speculation about this, including 12 to 14 text, Instagram, and Twitter DM chains. I surrender any and all productivity to close-read the photos.
11. Of course Harry Styles's tuxedo has a trademark flared-leg. Sweet treasure of a man!
12. Zooms in on the perfect ice-cream swirl of Harry’s hair—an art form unto itself. Don Draper could never.
13. His tux is Gucci. And her dress is Gucci. Both of their masks are The Vampire's Wife. They're not only holding hands but legitimately twinning.
14. Somewhere, Hilaria Baldwin is happy to be usurped. (Or is she?)
15. How many things is Harry Styles capable of effortlessly holding in one hand? I spy a rocks glass of whiskey, and at least two other accessories.
16. "The Robe" is trending on Twitter, because of yet another photo set of Harry officiating Azoff's wedding in nothing but a hotel robe and slippers. Did Harry, indeed, officiate a wedding in nothing by a hotel robe and slippers? Did the robe precede or follow the Gucci tux and is he available for hire? This merits an investigation. Files a FOIA request.
17. I love how everyone is now referring to "Jeff" as if he's an old friend and we, too, attended his micro-wedding at San Ysidro Ranch in Montecito.
18. Hasn't every celebrity ever gotten married at San Ysidro Ranch in Montecito?
19. A quick Google search confirms that, yes, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chis Martin, Katherine Schwarzennegger and Chris Pratt, Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson, and Lily Aldridge and Caleb Followill all did.
20. Dour sidenote: should anyone be having any kind of wedding right now?
21. Dear God, why is Candace Owens trending again? Aha! She liked the following tweet about Harry and Olivia.
22. Wait, why is Lizzo trending? Because she and Harry held hands once but no one romantically “linked” them. Fair point, but they never wore matching fashion brands as dates to a micro-wedding.
23. My friend and preeminent Styles guru reminds that there's a One Direction song called "Olivia" that is suddenly, newly relevant. Styles once coyly said of the song: "Olivia is whoever you want her to be... Is Olivia even a person? Is Olivia an emotion? Is she a place? We don't know."
24. Olivia Wilde has two children with Sudeikis. Would it be premature to envision Harry Styles as a stepdad? Is this what it feels like to spiral?
25. The paparazzi shots are quite clear. Was this public debut be as coordinated as their outfits?
26. Props to Deux Moi, who predicted today's bombshell with a blind item in their Stories on Sunday, teasing that the "darling male lead of a MUCH anticipated movie for 2021-2022 was snapped with his older female director/co-star this weekend in Santa Barbara."
27. A moment of silence, please, for the Larries, the subgroup of Harry fans who "ship" him in a long-standing clandestine affair with former 1D bandmate, Liam Payne.
28. Has anybody checked on Jason Sudeikis?
29. It appears some people do not feel this story is a matter of pressing national importance.
30. I beg to differ. After four years of Trump and a crippling global pandemic, we deserve this moment. (Just don't forget about the Georgia runoff elections on Tuesday.)
31. And here we thought Styles's gift to 2021 was the dazzling "Treat People with Kindness" video. and Phoebe Waller-Bridge, his most notable new partner.